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Before you ask, it's a brain. Wearing sunglasses. On a sailboat.
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2 public comments
I always liked the parody lecture that identified Big Bird as a stork with Island Gigantism (Manhattan is an island) and gave him the binomial name "Grancoravis viasesamesis"
Columbia, MD
There has long been debate about Big Bird's species, with some experts claiming he was a canary, but recent genetic analysis places him firmly in Cariamiformes.
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I continue to feel that if math education were better everyone would be really freaked out by this.
Today's News:
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"Real" numbers legit are less "real" - they don't describe exact discrete quantities, but rather they triangulate a position in continuum. The real number "2.5" is technically defined as "The space which is closer to the value of the fraction 5/2 than any other real number we can name"
Columbia, MD
1 public comment
But of course Bugs Bunny isn't gone, is the weird thing. I'm not sure if the argument against using AI to voice Bugs Bunny isn't also valid as an argument against using Eric Bauza to voice Bugs Bunny.
Columbia, MD
Under the U.K. law, it’s illegal for the company to even talk about the existence of the order.
1 public comment
We need Hollywood to make a big blockbuster movie where terrorists gain control of the government backdoor and use it to do Very Bad Things to help the public understand why "the government wants a backdoor" is very bad. Harrison Ford is getting too old for the part so maybe Idris Elba could play the government security developer whose family gets kidnapped to force him to let the bad guys into the system then has to stop them?
Columbia, MD
SURVEILLANCE REPORT #4891
SUBJECT: American Social Media Behavioral Analysis
DATE: 01/22/2025
AGENT: Chen Wei
I continue to monitor American social media trends on TikTok to identify opportunities for ideological influence and assess potential threats to collectivist ideals. Below are my findings on key creators of interest.
@corporatebestie
A twenty-eight-year-old marketing coordinator living in a major metropolitan area, simultaneously critiquing and participating in late-stage capitalism. Her content primarily revolves around “day in the life” videos and career advice.
- Her direct messages indicate that she is “girl bossing too close to the sun.”
- Recently posted a TikTok complaining about an eighteen-dollar acai bowl. Seems to have a basic grasp of commodity fetishism.
- Shows promising signs of class consciousness despite LinkedIn premium membership.
- Recommendation: She is one algorithmic nudge away from embracing socialism with Chinese characteristics.
@to.the.moon_
A twenty-one-year-old male living in Austin, Texas. Quit his job during the pandemic to trade cryptocurrency. Content is exclusively ill-advised crypto trading advice.
- Initially flagged as a capitalist threat.
- After losing life savings in cryptocurrency, has begun posting about “rigged system.”
- Recently learned the word “proletariat” (pronounces it incorrectly).
- Recommendation: Monitor for recruitment potential once savings are fully depleted.
@karen.miller79
A forty-two-year-old mother of one. Initial channel success derived from cute baby content. Currently experiencing a decline in engagement as her baby has aged into a toddler of average attractiveness. Experienced a resurgence in popularity due to her Stanley Tumbler videos.
- WITHDRAWAL OF PREVIOUS EXPENSE REQUEST: After months of surveillance, I am officially declaring the Stanley cup trend OVER.
- I have spent $472 of state funds tracking this trend, which will not please my supervisor. These cups are NOT worth the bureaucratic explanation I must now provide.
- Interest has shifted to miniature “Trader Joe’s” tote bags. These bags seem to serve little to no utilitarian purpose. Perhaps an example of American excess? Submitted expense report (#28732) requesting exactly five (5) miniature tote bags for further study.
@gregleary
A twenty-six-year-old male fitness influencer. Current content strategy involves pivoting to what appears to be an attempt at sketch comedy.
- Believes personal transformation can overcome systemic barriers.
- Actually just selling protein powder and performative masculinity.
- His “meal prep for the week” videos appear to emulate central planning but are fundamentally flawed by individualist overtones
- Recommendation: Let him continue. He is harmless.
@kenny_boy
Kenny is a well-mannered Maltese dog. Continue promoting his content.
Special Intelligence Briefing:
Justin Baldoni/Blake Lively
Cultural Conflict
After extensive analysis of the recent social media conflict between Justin Baldoni and Blake Lively, we formally request an official party stance from the Ministry of Cultural Affairs. Ministerial guidance is urgently needed on this critical conflict.
Context: Blake Lively accused Justin Baldoni of inappropriate on-set behavior during the filming of It Ends with Us. Baldoni denied the allegations, releasing footage that has only further divided public opinion.
Agent’s Analysis: This situation has become a cultural flashpoint, making it difficult to discern whether to critique Baldoni’s performative activism or focus on Lively’s contradictions as a critique of capitalist moral posturing. Immediate guidance is required to determine whether either narrative can be used for soft-power propaganda.
1 public comment
"Oh also I downloaded his contact list, which includes his Army Colonel dad's birthday, which should help us with the identity theft."
Columbia, MD
1 public comment
I think this is the second comic to show a human soul?
Columbia, MD
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